It’s that time again, when my heart is calling me to pick up the computer and write out the thoughts that are streaming inside of me. About a month and a half ago I broke up with a wonderful loving man. There was really nothing wrong with our relationship, in fact it is the love story of my lifetime to date. Romance, Passion, Friendship, Laughter, Staying up to the morning hour talking and making love, flowers, baths drawn, encouragement, dancing in the living room, spinning around in each other’s arms. Wow, what an experience we shared.

So I can only imagine what most people are asking themselves now and I promise you it’s a question I’ve asked myself more than a few times, WHY? Why break up something that was so great?

Because I wanted to. Because I needed to. BECAUSE.

I ask myself are you crazy? Do you really think your gonna find a man who loves you like that again? So deeply, so honestly, so sincerely and so actively? My answer at this point in my life. I DON’T CARE. That’s right I said it. I don’t care. What I want to know is if I can love myself like that? Can I look at myself in the mirror in the morning and tell myself I’m beautiful, or do I need a man to tell me this? Can I dance in my living room alone and feel that same security I felt in the arms of a man who loved me? Can I treat myself to a bath and flowers when I need them? Can I cook myself a beautiful dinner the way I cook my man a beautiful dinner? These are truly things that have become VERY important for me to know. Do I feel secure in the comfort of my own spirit?

You might, could, possibly understand this absolute DEMAND in my spirit. This loud voice (yet often times like a whisper in the wind) in my head that said to me ENOUGH! Who exactly ARE YOU? What do you do with your time, when you have no one to answer to? What are the things you say to yourself when you wake from sleep and there is no man to hold you in his arms and kiss you on your cheek? Where do you run to, when you can’t fall into someone’s arms and hide?

The answers to these questions come to me in waves. They also sometimes don’t come to me at all and lead me to ask more questions. Such as, what exactly am I trying to prove? My Independence? My Strength? My Dignity? I conclude that at times it’s all of the previous traits mentioned and then some. Then at times I conclude that it must be I have hardened my heart. That I’m no longer relationship material. That I’m doomed to be a loner. Oh wait; doomed to be a loner?

What’s wrong with being a Loner? Some of the greatest minds could not have accomplished the things they accomplished if they were tending to the heart of their mate. Perhaps I’m just a person who has much to learn and accomplish. And perhaps it’s not so wrong for a WOMAN to not feel the need for a mate. Do I need a man? No and YES!!!!!!!

I LOVE MEN. I love them all, I love the shy ones, I love the outgoing ones, I love the funny ones, I love the tall ones, I love the short ones, I love the players, I love the loyal ones, I love vanilla, I love chocolate, I love butter crunch, I love swirl, I love flavor… OK YOU GET IT. I LOVE MEN!

But here is the thing, when I sit back and imagine my perfect life. I don’t necessarily see a man standing beside me. I see myself building my life with myself and then the possibility of another man having his own amazing life; somehow fitting into mine like a puzzle piece. However, I don’t think to myself that if that does not happen I’ll never be fulfilled. I just don’t. Life to me is rich. It’s full of things I don’t understand, full of opportunities that I don’t even know about yet and I’m OK waking up without someone next to me.

As I write this though, there is this conflict in me that asks if there is something wrong with me that I feel this way? Where does that come from? Is it biological? Is it something that is taught to us as girls? That without a man our life is of no value. I don’t have the answers. I’m neither saying SINGLE is the way, nor am I saying being in a RELATIONSHIP is the answer. I’m simply saying that we should question the status quo as often as possible. We should question our own motives…as to why we are doing something? Why are we in the relationship we’ve chosen? Why are we choosing to be single? Which choice leads us closer the the TRUTH of ourselves. My guess is the answer will never be the same for any single individual. We are a complex creature, living in a complex universe that has so many facets to fill. So I leave you with nothing more than questions to ask yourself. What I wish for people is for them to get closer and closer to their humanity. For them to understand their nature and to be truthful to themselves about what that is. It’s as simple as that; and yet not easy.

I pray for us as a whole to love ourselves fully. Whether we are in a relationship or single. I pray for ourselves to accept our limitations, yet to know that within these limitations there is an avenue within us that is limitless. I pray for us to fall in love with life; as we do this; I trust that all the answers of our souls will become apparent. Cheers to LOVE in all of it’s forms!!!

I wrote this blog this weekend and this morning I came upon this. It is just something that I feel feeds a bit into these thoughts I’m processing. Again, I have no final standing on this discussion. It’s simply too complex to come to one single conclusion for others. However I do have faith that I’ll come to my own answers at the right place and time in my life. Still I found what the 12 year old girl states in the article to be an important issue to pay attention to as a society.

http://www.care2.com/causes/lets-stop-teaching-girls-they-are-worth-less-than-boys.html